im drinking this country out of the recession.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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