In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
