peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
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