I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
