You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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