I think my fart just growled at me.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
you never un-have a 4some
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
