Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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