His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.