$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
