Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
