News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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