My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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