he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
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Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
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You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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