I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize