drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
