I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
