And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
