The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
