Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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