I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
