i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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