I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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