there's paper in my vomit.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
