I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
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pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
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I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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