i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
