You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
