One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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