booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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