My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
