I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
