Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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