if only i could text you this smell
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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