So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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