I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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