His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
