Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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