Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
