He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
