my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
