I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
