i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
