I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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