I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
