We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
