I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
My vagina just clenched in fear
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
