you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
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They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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