Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
there is glitter all over my balls
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
