I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
