If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
there is glitter all over my balls
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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