i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
