I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
