For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
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I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
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Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no