i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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