I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.