Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
